The last time we talked, I shared with you that moment when I began to finally realize that I was, and am, more than my scars. I wish that I could tell you that it was uphill from there and life became so much clearer, but what I began to realize about where I was in life was the unfortunate depth of where I found myself.

I will never tell you that I have been without fault. When I finish catching you up to modern day, I will go back even further and fill you in on how some of my own insecurities spoke into my circumstances much louder than I probably ever knew. Remember that speaking up concept that we talked about? Again, do it.

Where are we going today though? We are going to begin divulging into what happened after I realized I was worth more. Now here’s the thing, though, there is always going to be someone who will tell you that you should have processed something differently, or with more grace, or with more compassion. BUT you, my dear, you can only be focused on extending grace and compassion when you are aren’t suffocating. On an extremely basic level, there is a real purpose behind why you are asked to put on your own oxygen mask first in the event of lost cabin pressure in a plane. Sometimes that is a really easy concept to forget, and unfortunately it can lead to accepting the eggshells as normal or the tension as okay. But I soap-boxed a little there…

In February of 2018, so one month after our last conversation, I wrote a couple of entries… one had five of my own words, the other was written in pure desperation.

Jaded

Definition: A state of disillusionment and sadness. You see through everything and have no illusions about what is true. So many negative things have happened that it becomes difficult to stay positive about what once gave you hope and joy. Sometimes you might think there’s hope, but then more negative things happen in the aspect you are jaded in, and you become more jaded. This can be felt in many different aspects: love, friendship, politics, trust, music, objects, etc. Actions, people, placed and things can all leave you jaded.

            “She tried so hard but always failed in his eyes. She became jaded and stopped caring about him, but now she has no attraction to anyone else wither once they get close to her or even attempt to… She’s so jaded that she will never fall in love again. She can’t, she sees through everyone and their intentions. Even her best friend wasn’t there for her when she needed her most. How she has no faith in anyone as a friend, how could she? No one has ever been there for her like she could be and has been for them… She’s jaded and alone, but she’ll be fine, because she doesn’t need anyone. Not for more than the basic necessities. She doesn’t trust anyone with her heart anymore and is highly cautious of letting anyone in.”

            I am all of these.

I don’t remember how long it was between these journals…

What if it’s on me?

“You can’t see the forest through the trees to call it abuse because you’re so confused you don’t even recognize that the narcissist did something extremely cruel to hurt you or to put you ‘in your place’. How you feel: At this stage, you’ll feel demoralized. You so badly want that doting and loving prince charming narcissist back that you’ll do anything to get him to come back. You become destabilized. It hurts terribly. You’re falling from a pedestal you didn’t ask to be place on, all the while you’re blaming yourself for it happening, you feel like you can’t do anything right, you fee l worthless, your self-esteem slips, you want the love you “had” and you want the kind person who was nice to you to come back and you just can’t seem to fix whatever this very serious problem is that you’re causing. Which results in your confusion and one-way ticket to hopelessness and despair.“

            What if I am the narcissist though? I keep telling this sob story about how mistreated I am… about how I’m neglected and don’t feel free to be myself… about how I’m expected to do all of the up keep even though he asks if there’s anything he can do to help. What if “myself” is the altered persona and a blanket of lies? What if “freedom” is my way of denying my reality and true identity? What if I’m actually neglecting my kids? What if I’m actually neglecting my kids? What if I’m a terrible mother and they’ll hate me for wanting to be apart from them? But I really don’t want to be apart from them. (read this in a whisper) I want to be apart from him… #honesty.

      He asks at bedtime – at his bedtime. He doesn’t make dinner or do the things that are pertinent for evening success except for the kids’ bedtime… sometimes. I don’t trust him. I don’t trust that he won’t hold it against me that he’s helping. I don’t trust that he won’t stop helping. I don’t trust that he’s helping out of love. I don’t remember what it’s like to look in his eyes and not feel judgement – to not feel like I’m being evaluated. I don’t remember love. I don’t remember not having an agenda. What did I do? Did I cause it? I had to cope… didn’t I? Is that where we went south? Where I stopped waiting for my husband? Where I learned to thrive alone again? Where I decided I was worth more?

He asked if I’ll always hold it against him. He doesn’t get it. He doesn’t realize he’s chaining me every day. I try to include, and inform, and consider, and I just get interrupted with a comment that I need not justify my decisions. Really? But really? I’m trying to engage him and make him aware of how much I consider him, and I get a dagger that pulls with it an assumption that I’m attempting to manipulate or pity him. Consideration is different – at least I thought it was. I’m sure I caused it. When I started actually talking to people. When I realized I can’t do life alone. I made this mess. I’m sure I did.

            But, then…

While there’s something to be said about the girl who wants to make sure everyone else has plenty to eat, maybe there’s also something to be said about the girl who finally determines food can no longer be negotiable in her own life. What then?

Depending on where you are and where you’ve been in life, that may or may not make sense. One of the most common things I heard at the beginning of 2019 (I know I’m jumping), is that marriage isn’t about you because it’s about the other person. I would love to agree whole-heartedly, but not all bruises are black and blue and not all broken bones are wrapped in a cast.

I am not sharing any of this because I am looking for you to agree with my path, but what I want you to see in this writings, which I am aware may or may not make all of the sense they could, is that even if you’ve come to a place where you know your hurts are causing permanent damage and you want to change it, and you think you can do it on your own, talk to someone anyway. I WILL repeatedly come back to that.

No matter how good your good days are, you need somewhere to turn to in the moment of panic. It was still another 3 months before I sought counseling, and I wish I could say these were my only moments of panic until then, but that is so far from true. Your journey, good and bad, is not meant to be done alone.