I figured since we’re going to take a coffee break that I’d let you know what I’m sipping on. I recently went back to late shift after about a 5 month stint on middle shift, so this combination is compliments of what Speedway has to offer.

So anyway, I know I have described my plan as kind of starting at Point B and bringing you up to Point C then going back to fill in the gaps between Points A and B. However, self-evaluation is something that I have done often even when I either completely denied my findings or felt the need to skew them. And I’ve been thinking about some things that I thought I would like to share with you.

I recently started reading a novel that caught my attention while I was killing time in a store one day. It’s called “Trust Me” by Hank Phillippi Ryan. While I don’t think the premise of the book will actually relate to the rest of my blog, the quotes listed at the beginning of the book made me literally stop and stare at them for quite some time, even sending them to a friend with a half-way-joke regarding what I was getting myself into.

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Lewis Carroll,Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?
C. S. Lewis,A Grief Observed

It is only prudent never to place complete confidence in that by which we have even once been deceived.
René Descartes,Meditations on First Philosophy

Among all of the ways I have been evolving, there are two that help me remember that my evolution is growth, and both have been obvious to me in recent weeks.

1. I am becoming less of an over-thinker.
2. My ‘why’ has shifted.

There are a select handful of people who have had the entertaining privilege of seeing me have one of my thinking episodes. They usually look like an argument with myself, which they are, and I usually end them with a massively desperate, “I just don’t know”. The people who have been privy to these episodes are typically dumb-founded by the fact that I have such a… talent… for how I am able to complicate scenarios with my brain… or so I assume.

HOWEVER… I have noticed that over the past few months, I have only had a few of these moments. It may not seem like a big deal, but anyone that knows what it’s like to have this kind of break-down should appreciate the stress that my own brain is NOT incurring these days. It’s a wonderful feeling to be at a new kind of peace with life and with myself that way.

As far as my “why” goes, I realized over the weekend that as proud as I have been of me for quite some time in general, there were still a number of times when I was excited to be proving them wrong. Who is them? It could be family. It could be society. It could be those I have deemed the idiots of my past. But I was proving them wrong. I was making something of myself professionally and personally, and I was doing it in a way that stemmed from becoming more of the me that I’ve always wanted to be… which is a conversation for another time.

Now, though, I’m living in the space that I have created… and I’m operating out of what I told myself I was capable of. I’m not thinking about proving anyone wrong. I may appear to be doing similar things, but I am doing them to prove me right.

Take late shift, for example. I am not trying to prove anyone wrong that said being a single mom, working lates, and sharing almost daily moments with my kids wasn’t possible in a healthy way. I am operating out of excitement for the place in I find myself in. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, being tired is a thing. But I am proving to myself what is worth it and that I can do what I thought I could do. Not out of conceit, but out of faith in me. And trust me, there is a huge difference.

I am thankful for the moments and for the people that continue to shape me. As I self-evaluate, I am particularly stoked for these two shifts in my mentality. And I seriously cannot wait to continue to see the person I am to be unfold. But…

*sip*… *sip*…

I hope you’ve enjoyed your coffee! In a bit, I’ll be trading my coffee for a blanket and pillow, and I can’t wait! Ha!