In July 2015, with a 10-month old and a 3 year old back at home, I went to Japan for a week. I spent time getting to know a group of people and sharing life and life stories with them. One of the coolest parts of the trip was seeing different cultures collide and watching stories intertwine. I shared part of my story that I didn’t usually share and talked about how radically loving people is worth it.

I began to wonder how radically I had really been living and if I had actually been the kind of unique I wanted to be. At the end of the week, one of the women who had heard my story approached me to thank me for being there and for sharing. She said to me three words that changed my life.

You are brave.

Such a simple statement, but it never left. I slowly evaluated what that meant in my life. I realized that I may have portrayed myself as always being the voice I should be when I very much in fact wasn’t. Unfortunately, I had made my opinions clear regarding certain concepts and situations based on what was “right”, but when it came to having a voice for myself and for my individual passions and thoughts… well, I didn’t.

I lived in this space where my stances were clear and muddy all at the same time, and while I couldn’t see it before, what I was finally seeing was really unsettling. This is what I wrote in October of 2015.

Legalism… it didn’t look like I was taught it… but somehow I bought into it. I have been blessed by friends who have become family who have shaken my definition of a Christian life. I was taught that there were black and white issues: sexuality, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, cussing. Don’t do it because it’s a sin. I created a checklist for what traits a Christian should have, and as soon as I saw something in that list, I wrote the person off – assuming they were lacking in spiritual maturity – that they were going to Hell if they don’t specifically repent over whatever choice word was just said. I was very open about not cussing or wanting to hear it. I gave my husband a hard time for saying some choice words when he smashed his hand. I questioned my dad for the same when an I-beam fell on his foot.

Someone told me that they’d like to get a group of women together but weren’t sure if I’d be interested because of the words that may come out of their mouth. “Can you handle that?” What a blow… how little have I loved people if they think that I’m too good to fellowship with them? What started as something simple, and potentially good has brought me to a place I detest. I’m no better. I’m no different. I struggle. Thankfully, I’ve had people who’ve been real with me to help me realize how hurtful and hateful I’ve been.

Realizing how hurtful you’ve been while at the same time realizing how much you avoid confrontation is quite the combination to consider. I basically spent the majority of the time figuring out how to keep everyone happy… and then the rest of the time making sure people knew what I didn’t agree with.

Ugh. It’s such an embarrassing concept. Unfortunately, I don’t even know who all I’ve hurt along the way, but I know that it has been more than I ever noticed. In talking through it recently with a friend of mine, I keep recalling different people I had pushed away in different ways. None of them deserving it.

Believe it or not, we don’t exist to be jerks to one another. We are literally in this together whether you like it or not and whether you agree with me or not. So much in our society, culture, environment, etc. is dependent on a cumulative effort. One person can’t change education. One person can’t discover medicine. One person can’t change the environment.

Before you get all nit-picky on me, just stop it and listen. Yes, obviously, one mind is capable of thinking of new things that have the ability to alter reality for the better; HOWEVER, it takes community buy-in for reality to actually be altered. For the record, if I just irritated you by telling you to stop it, it’s possible that your mind needs to open a bit… in my opinion.

Anyway, here’s my challenge to you:

1. Ask yourself if you’re brave, and then ask why.
2. Ask yourself if you’re hurting people while masking it as helping them.
3. Change what you need to change.

It’s not easy, nor does it feel good. However, my circle seems a lot more real these days, and my interactions with people aren’t based on wanting to change them. I can honestly say that I am operating out of a desire to show people that they have value for once in my life. I don’t get it perfect but trying to meet people where they are seems to promote much more genuine moments.

And anything genuine will always be better than anything created by keeping the peace.