The trouble with understanding is when I forget that I also deserve to be understood. I have lived my life for as long as I can remember attempting to make sure that everyone in my circle knows that it is okay to need… need to talk, need some space, need a distraction, need to rest. I try to understand why they may be responding to life the way they are even when I disagree with whatever brought in said response. At the same time, I am an expert at doing just the opposite with myself. I don’t try to understand me. I don’t give myself the space to be a little selfish with what I need. I don’t want to be a burden. If I’m not fine, I’ll be fine. While that isn’t always a bad thing, it has potential to harm my own mental and emotional health. I don’t ask for understanding from anyone… including myself.

It’s funny how I can be so oblivious to my own well-being. By funny, I mean incredibly frustrating. I crave to know and be known, and in the knowing, I primarily cater to what help is requested. Simultaneously, I feel no desire to be a bore or a burden, so I will often keep my story to me. I don’t do it out of secrecy anymore. If I did, this blog wouldn’t exist. I do it because I figure that if someone wants to know, they will ask like I do. That may be true, but every time that I ignore my own needs for this reason, I re-damage myself in my weakest points. And there is no one to blame except for the girl I see in the mirror.

As we go in life, we learn to associate things together… good or bad… valid or not. I have successfully associated components in life that have no business being associated right now. I am finally coming to terms with that. If A, then B… so if I can promote B, it increases my chances at A, right? Maybe you’ve done the same thing. Maybe if you wear the expensive clothes, you feel like you belong, so you avoid what used to be your favorite sweatshirt because no one else is wearing anything besides hoodies. Maybe if you have all of the social media, you can have all of the friends, so you keep anything that wouldn’t be “trendy” off of your page so that none of your followers has a change of opinion.

I don’t like some of the lessons I’ve been learning, and I can’t say that I’m fond of this one. But what I’m realizing is that I need to make sure that when I’m busy understanding everyone else to not forget to understand myself. We are who we are based our experiences and what we learned from them, and no one else’s experience gets to trump mine. We all need what we need. That includes me… and you if you’re like me, then please remember that also includes you every time. We can’t be the sacrifice. We matter, too.

So don’t get so caught up in understanding everyone in your circle that you end up neglecting what you’ve already learned about you. You deserve better than treating you that way, but as you and I are both learning… that can be the trouble with ‘understanding’.