As a part of this ‘getting me right’ journey over the last 6+ months, I have also reminded myself that I made a promise to train to be the rescuer or help that I hope no one ever needs me to be. With that in mind, I have made it a priority to get back into the gym, and do it regularly. I start most of my workouts with a ‘warm up’ that consists of spending time on the stairmaster. This particular day, I’m not sure what the rest of my workout was. I have it written down, but it’s honestly not important right now…

I listen to just about anything, but usually at the gym I will throw on something with quite a bit of energy. That day, I let Spotify pick my music, and the song “Hold On To Me” by Lauren Daigle came on. Feel free to listen to it here. It got me thinking about and reflecting on how I’ve always been held onto.

At my church this past Sunday, we started off by singing “How He Loves” by David Crowder Band. This line gets me every time: all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory. We followed that by “No Longer Slaves” by Bethel. This song represents the events so many years ago that together formed the catalyst into becoming who I am today. We went into prayer through “How Great Thou Art” which has made my heart and soul spill over since my teenage years.

What does any of that have to do with anything? Music is the heartbeat of my soul. Music keeps me on track, and it keeps me moving. There was a time, though, when I had trouble hearing the music. I couldn’t make any sense of what was happening around me. I knew the truth, but there were people who made it incredibly hard to believe. Truth about me, my life, my faith, my God, and about those who were involved in my story. I knew the truth, but I was letting outside forces affect my internal health. It became incredibly easy to focus inwardly in ways that were far from healthy – not completely and entirely wrong but definitely not healthy.

Until…

Someone asked a simple question a little over six months ago, and I gave my answer. My answer made me think of topic B which led to topic C, then D and, of course, on to E. Before I knew it, I was on my couch looking at something I had made years ago. I referenced a scripture on it, and decided to grab my Bible to refresh my memory on the context. But God knew that wasn’t the scripture I needed. My eyes skimmed the page I’d opened, but before I could turn it, I saw the first line of the following passage. I paused, read it again, and then read on. Before I knew it, I was laying myself out to God, embarrassed and frustrated for how I’d let myself turn a blind eye to what I knew. Did you catch that? WHAT I KNEW.

If the Lord had not been on our side – let Israel say – if the Lord had not been on our side when men attacked us, when their anger flared against us, they would have swallowed us alive; the flood would have engulfed us, the torrent would have swept over us, the raging waters would have swept us away. Praise be to the Lord, who has not let us be torn by their teeth. We have escaped like a bird out of the fowler’s snare; the snare has been broken, and we have escaped. Our help is in the name of the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. ~ Psalm 124

God stayed by my side anyway. God held on to me anyway. God does. Anyway.

I’ve also been reading Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeschel, and it has been phenomenal. I’ve found myself challenged in not only how I pray and in what I pray but in my conduct as well. I have notes on my bathroom mirror about things to look out for that can cause doubt to creep in and a prayer to keep me in tune with God. I’ve found myself highlighting quite a bit that resonates with where I am in my life and in my faith. One of the many nuggets I’ve found myself playing and replaying in my heart is this:

Think about everything you prayed for recently – not your whole lifetime, just the past seven days. Consider writing on a notepad or typing a memo on your phone and listing all the different things you petitioned God to do in the last week. Take a moment and give it some thought. Do you remember? What did you pray about? What did you ask God to do? Now answer honestly. If God said yes to every prayer you prayed in the last seven days, how would the world be different? ~ Dangerous Prayers

Or would it?

I would love to say that I’ve always had big prayers that would change the world, but truth be told, sometimes I don’t think I even have had big enough prayers to change my own life the way maybe I could have. And that morning on the stairmaster…

(let’s be honest, you should know by now that I’ll come full circle but it’ll be about five hours later)

Anyway, that morning on the stairmaster, all of this came crashing together as I listened to Lauren Daigle talk to God through music. My tiny prayers, memories of where I’ve been, thoughts of how God’s goodness has kept me, the knowledge that God’s forgiveness has covered me, my wishes, my dreams, my doubts about what I am being called to do, God’s faithfulness to see me through. Before I knew it we were having real talk about 50 hypothetical floors up, and I had tears streaming down my face. He told me that He’s got me. He told me to trust the open door. He told me that He knows my heart. He made me a couple of promises while we were there on our private little mountaintop, and He has since amazed me with contentedness… a contentedness that is somehow even more than what I thought I knew to be possible. We had real talk about my life and some things in it. Even as I sit here and revisit the moment to try and describe it to you, my eyes are leaking a bit.

God disturbed me. He’s told me to pray bigger, pray bolder, and take the paths that make me trust Him. If you’d like a good prayer to pray that will pull you from complacency, you can find one here, by Sir Francis Drake. My favorite request and the one that challenges me incredibly is that God would “disturb us… when we arrived safely because we sailed too close to the shore”.

Maybe you are scared to pray for what you really want or need, and maybe that’s because you’re aware that sometimes blessings require sacrifice. Or maybe you are unaware of what you should pray for, but you feel unworthy to even try so you don’t.

Either of those are okay… but only for a time. I truly believe God is big enough to understand that place. But I encourage you to decide that you’re tired of asking Him to understand. God is holding on to you, so, as soon as you can muster up the courage, give Him the opportunity to prove it.

Don’t worry, I tend to experience life quite differently than most, so it won’t automatically mean that you’re doomed to a public moment like the day I cried at the gym.

Take care, my friends! ❤