We’ve talked about a lot of things, haven’t we? And we’ve talked a lot about how critical it can really be to be honest with someone that you can trust. Hint: it doesn’t have to be a professional. And while I am willing to speak about my story, I also want to relay to you that there are some things that can still be held ‘close to the vest’, per say, and don’t need to be aired to the general public.

There are a few components of my story that I have only breathed to a single person. There are other components that are still only in my mind. I was hurt. I am healing. That is what matters. I will still never claim to have made all of the right choices, and, for that matter, if you are making such claims… you’re wrong.

I know that I have provided some of my journal entries from before, but I want you to understand that others of them are not available for the public… not all venting is helpful. I thought about trying to re-write them, but those were the words I came up with in my moments of despair. I cannot do justice to change them. But what I will relay to you are some lesson highlights in respect to my own privacy.

Selfishness perceived bred selfishness defensed. I had a variety of panic attacks, some only emotionally and some completely, though all behind a closed door. Reading through my writing, I feel it all over again. Moments were not right. How I handled them, I’m not sure, but I do know that I was so broken that I had managed to find the end of my rope. Ever so gently, though, within me I knew that my story wasn’t over – that there was no option for giving up even if I had pretended to consider it (which I didn’t – I know that I have beautiful components to my life that I love dearly).

I’ve experienced moments that I don’t understand how to put into words. To even attempt to explain some required me to literally stare out a window watching a couple of planes come and go at an airport diner… and that was just recently with a trusted friend. Understand this, you can be honest with what you need and also NOT air dirty laundry… please, please make note of that.

Reading through these few journal entries, along with reminding me about the importance of privacy, I remembered what also brought the most hesitation into my heart and mind about any future relationship. I’ve evaluated them over and over and over again and have had a variety of different responses.

At first I decided that I was forever done with romance because it was safer… then I watched basically anything from netflix or my DVD stand and remembered that I crave personal interaction and attraction as a result would be a normal component of it. Then I decided that I just had to find the right person who was the perfect compliment to the path of my life… and about 30 seconds later remembered that ‘perfect’ is one of those concepts meant to help provide a general direction.

I heard someone say recently that they are unable to provide what someone needs. That re-initiated my brain thinking about what I see in my future. Can I tell you something that may sound a little off? I don’t desire to be ‘needed’. For all intents and purposes, I kind of did that already even though it didn’t start out that way.

You know what? I desire to be wanted because I matter to someone. It’s as pure and as complex as that. Priorities are not lethal to a relationship when both parties matter. Time and the compromise of it are possible when both parties matter. Goals and dreams are fair talking points when both parties matter. Histories are safe when both parties matter. The ideal lives where both parties matter.

I don’t actually want to be responsible for someone’s health and happiness, because they need to be responsible for that on their own first. But to be in part responsible for someone feeling like they matter… I’m good with that. To have that same person responsible in part for the fact that I feel like I do… I’m good with that too. And to have a shared physical and intellectual attraction between myself and this person simultaneously… oh buddy… I am definitely good with that! 😉

So basically here’s the thing…

Keep private things private when they should be, still don’t compromise your willingness to be honest, and think through your future even if it shifts. Why? Because you matter, you are worth it, and today doesn’t have to be your tomorrow.