We have some friends who play travel softball, so my kids have allowed me to drag them to a few tournaments in the last month. One of the tournaments was near an outlet mall, so the three of us wandered into a Claire’s store. The kids could each could pick out something, and since fair is fair, I picked out an assortment of earrings for myself. Of course, it would have been logical to make a sensible purchase, you know… one that was obviously for an adult-type woman. But if you’re just entering our journey, you’ll soon learn that just isn’t really me .

So what did I get? Let’s see… there are dangling crosses, foxes, and gummy bears, a trio of studded dinosaurs, and a collection of glittery studs to include flowers, tropical animals, cake, donuts, and a coffee cup. And goodness knows, I’ve been having so much fun with them!

When you combine that with my cereal preferences to include captain crunch, cinnamon toast crunch, frosted flakes, and anything including the ‘fruit’ or ‘cocoa’ concepts… it’s no surprise that two nights ago, a trusted friend with a chuckle and shake of his head looked at me and declared that I am “such a child”.

While that is definitely probably arguable, do you know what I also am?

I am more me than I have ever been… and I am free. It wasn’t always that way.

Four years ago today, I was struggling to find my strength.

Three years ago today, I was disintegrating and kept it secret.

Two years ago today, I was officially divorced and trying to be strong.

One year ago today, I drunk texted a family chat and tried to play it off.

But today…

Today I remember that when I was struggling to find my strength, I was never let go.

Today I remember that when I was disintegrating and kept it secret, I was loved beyond measure.

Today I remember that when I was officially divorced and trying to be strong, I was leading little people.

Today I remember that when I was making stupid choices for very skewed reasons, I was being moved and led to the spaces I needed to be in so that God could break me open in ways I couldn’t imagine.

Today, like many other days, I reflect on who I am, on where I’ve been, on decisions I’ve made.

I look at this quote, and I find myself starting to agree with it. I think back, and there are memories of moments that make me tense not because they still hurt me but because of how small and vulnerable I felt in them. I think of how my interpretations of those moments shaped me, and I think of the validation I tried to seek thereafter. I had a measuring tape for what it meant to be ‘enough’ based on those experiences, and I took it with me into moments that I’d have rather done without altogether. But then I think of how I’ve grown, and of how I should now be able to recognize that no one else created my responses, and then I wonder if there has been any action or lack of action on my part that could have assisted in the life span of said scars. There’s an old hymn that goes like this:

When peace like a river attendeth my way

When sorrows like sea billows roll

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say

It is well, it is well with my soul.

There have been moments when I have broken down sobbing because I couldn’t remember what it felt like for it to be well with my soul. There are examples that I will very intentionally not provide, but I want you to know, in case you don’t, that sometimes moments can leave people… Christian people… strong Christian people feeling inadequate in a way that can only be understood by someone who has also felt inadequate by similar moments. And it is very easy to let those moments have a voice they shouldn’t have in the board meetings of your life.

Fast forward to today, and I think with misty eyes about how maybe a variety of It Is Well that was recorded by Bethel Music would be a beautiful addition to our song list for Sunday morning worship. You can have a listen here.

There is a beauty I see in certain areas of my life because of the obviously stark differences I can see when I compare the “on this date in history”‘s to my today. They are the kinds of differences that may or may not be obvious to anyone else, but they’re the differences that bring tears to my eyes as I watch my children sing to Jesus on Sunday morning and then get to share communion with them. They’re the differences that make me love the ways I’m developing a variety of different friendships that I know will be lifelong. They’re the differences that make me want to speak up and speak out in ways that I haven’t in years if not ever.

If you see my crying, which you can’t right now because we’re split by computer screens, I want you to know that I am crying because sometimes I am overwhelmed by how big my God is. He’s never loved me in a way that was determined by my role, active or not, in the creation of my environment. He simply has always loved me.

And now? Now I live in a worship song. I dance, and I sing, and sometimes I jump because my body doesn’t know what else to do with itself. I look for ways to experience life how I haven’t experienced it before. And just as much as that includes an active role in worship ministry, it includes some of the silly things I wanted to be more “mature than” before.

So yes, my kitchen counter has a corner full of sugar in the form of cereal, and I have ridiculously juvenile earrings that I just purchased. I enjoy diamond paintings, and I have more Lego sets than I can count – though those were therapy to start out, and if you want to know how, I’ll happily tell you. My kids’ artwork is all over the walls, and we have a multi-colored dining table. I smile at the moon, and remember it’s beauty when my courage pulls me out of my comfort zone.

See? In each of our journeys, we have good times and bad times. My life’s path began shifting a lot more than four years ago, but I can look at the snapshots of ‘this day’ and see accurate pictures of how my life was trending. But between my family being such an incredibly solid anchor and my God never turning His back on me, I am so very alive, so very free, and so very me…

And me is apparently such a child…

But, whatever!